Four minutes until I can fart!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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