So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
