You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
