How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
