the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
