i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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