My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
