you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
