Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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