im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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