The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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