i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"