My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
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Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
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I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."