can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
well you can't waste a boner
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
21 Disappointing Confessions From Teenage Fathers
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.