he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
