South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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