she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
