Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
