how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
