How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
