About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
