3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
