i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
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