just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
