At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
