my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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