The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
