Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
