why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
