in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
