there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
