Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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