It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
