Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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