You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
