i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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