You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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