Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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