Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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