Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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