my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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