i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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