Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
