I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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