in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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