then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
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She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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