if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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