dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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