true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
