YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
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Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
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Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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