A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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