I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
