gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
