you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
