im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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