I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
