she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
