your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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