I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
