can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
